Have you ever done, said or felt something and only after the fact wondered, “How did I get here?” Our brains can work incredibly fast, and there are many, many small steps that take us from one moment to the next. Without heightened discernment, this can all seem like it’s happening on its own, outside of our will or awareness.

A Behavior Chain Analysis is a process used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy for understanding the sequence of events which led to a specific behavior or emotional state.

Use this exercise for reviewing a behavior or emotion that you want to understand better how it unfolds. When you understand the sequence of events, it’s easier to learn where you can intervene to create a new experience for yourself.

This exercise can be done formally or informally, as detailed or as simple as you want. The more detail and time you spend, the more awareness you will develop:

• Identify the problem – this can be a behavior that you did that you don’t want to be doing, or something you said that you wish you hadn’t said, or a feeling or emotional state that you don’t want to be in.
• Identify any Vulnerability Factors: These are factors which make us a little more vulnerable to being more emotional and less rational. For example, not getting enough sleep the night before, feeling hungry, having to unexpectedly sit in traffic or hear bad news, being in a rush.
• Identify the Prompting Event: If you had to identify a starting point, a trigger, what would that be? If you can’t think of where it started, that’s ok – start somewhere earlier than the event itself.
• Start creating the Links: Now start making a list of every thought, behavior or feeling that took place. Nothing is too small or insignificant. If you don’t have at least 10 links, you are not being detailed enough.
• Now go back and identify where you could have done something differently: This is the most fun part! You get to re-live each link, but instead of doing what you did, you get to create a new experience for yourself. For example, you can add in compassion, a pause, taking a breath, considering a new perspective or finding new words to express yourself.

Have you ever found yourself wishing you could express yourself better? Perhaps you knew you felt very strongly about something but weren’t sure how best to construct the words so that you could be both accurate and respectful.

Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a communication framework developed by Marshall Rosenberg designed to help people connect with themselves and others, even in conflict.

There are four main components that can be used as a structure that helps you express yourself. It can also be used to help you listen to others, as you can notice when one or more of these components are missing and help evoke them from the person who you are speaking with.

1. Observation (without judgment or evaluation): What did I observe?
2. Feelings: What am I feeling?
3. Needs: What need of mine is not being met? (Every feeling can be connected to a need that is either being met or not being met)
4. Request: What would I like to ask of the other person or of the situation?

“Reframing” is a widely-used technique to change the way we perceive, think about or communicate something. The goal of reframing is to find a view that is more positive, balanced or realistic. The goal is to feel better with how you are looking at something, and use that better feeling as a guide to approach the situation. When we feel better about a situation, the situation is better.

This technique involves taking a sheet of paper and drawing a line down the middle. Alternatively, you can use a Word document and insert a table with 2 columns and 1 row.

Start by identifying a situation, event, person or experience in which you have some negative thoughts and feelings about. Try not to immediately use the most difficult situation or person you can possibly think of. Start with something only mildly uncomfortable, and once you have mastered that level, you can increase in difficulty.

Starting on the left side of the page or Word document, write down in no particular order every thought that you have about this situation. Really hover over this experience, event or situation, and allow the thoughts to come and reveal themselves to you. If you can only think of one or two thoughts, take more time to sit there and softly contemplate – the thoughts will reveal themselves to you. Just keep writing and creating a list. When you feel like you’ve written all the possible thoughts that feel relevant, then write below the feelings that you have when you think those thoughts.

Next, move to the second column on the right. Begin by writing the things that you would like to think about the situation, event, person or experience. The main thing to keep in mind is that the thoughts must feel true to you. So, you’ll be stretching yourself to think more positively, but you can’t stretch yourself too far otherwise you’ll just frustrate yourself. Think of it like exercising – if you just began running for the first time, you wouldn’t want to schedule a 5-mile run off the bat. You’d probably tire after a mile or less and then get discouraged. Instead, you might plan to do a couple laps and then walk and see how you feel.

Treat this exercise in a similar manner, and reach for better or more positive thoughts, but note that they don’t have to be the most positive thoughts that exist about the subject.

Continue writing down new thoughts, taking time to contemplate in between. Once you have written a good amount, identify the feelings that you would have by thinking and believing those thoughts instead.

If you continue to do this exercise and get creative with that second column, I guarantee you will find yourself in a new mental space!