You Need to Take Responsibility to Take Control

If I asked you to go throughout your day and I told you that you couldn’t use the filler words “um” or “like,” you would either need to be silent to comply or you would have to talk very, very slowly and think really hard. Even still, you’d probably slip up at some point. After painstakingly trying to be mindful and aware, you might even get really frustrated by how much this adjustment was impairing your ability to speak comfortably, and you might even give up.

Was it YOU saying “like” and “um”?
Yes.
Was it hard to control?
Yes.
Is it possible to control?
Yes.
Does it take a lot of effort, energy, perseverance, and motivation?
Yes.
Is healing from depression and anxiety the same?
Yes.

Let me explain why.

You were probably not the person who decided to teach yourself to say “like” and “um,” to have them be modeled to you over and over, but now those words are yours, now they come out of your mouth. If you wanted to change your speaking habits, you would need to take responsibility of your speaking habits to take control of changing them.

Similarly, you probably were not the one who decided to grow up in an unsafe neighborhood, or to be neglected as a child, or to have parents that could not attune to your needs. You did not choose your role models, your culture, or the schools you went to. And you may have had experiences in life that led you to think about things in an anxious way or a depressed way. Now, anxiety and depression within your mind.

In order to change the thoughts and feelings we habitually have, we need to first take responsibility of our mental habits to take control of them.

There is no shame in it. Things happen to us, genetics happen to us, modeling happens to us, childhood happens to us, bullying happens to us, neglect happens to us, loss happens to us, abuse happens to us. Especially as children, there are many experiences which are imposed on us and where we have very little agency to change.

But in the aftermath of those experiences, we are left with what is now playing inside of our own heads. We are left with the soundtrack of our mind. And we need to understand that, just like saying “um” and “like,” we do have control over it, no matter how automatic and unchangeable the thoughts and feelings seem.

If I told you, “You are destined to say like and um forever,” you might say something back like, “Only if I decide not to change my speaking habits.” You probably will have full awareness and full faith that you can change it, knowing that it’s completely up to you whether you want to put in the required work or not.

Working on our mental health is the same. Even the thoughts and feelings that you believe are not changeable, are. Does it take a lot of effort, energy, perseverance, and motivation?  Yes. Is it worth it? Yes, I would not be doing this job if I did not think it was worth it.